character defects. There are many people that wear masks, if you will,
and they wear different ones for different people. There seems to be
this mystification of projecting the "right" image to prospects in the
dating world. Lets be honest, do you really want to attract a member of
the opposite sex (or whatever your sexual preference might be) by
projecting a fantasy that Don Juan couldn't live up to? You...
We are all just human. Each of us has our own set of character flaws or
character defects. There are many people that wear masks, if you will,
and they wear different ones for different people. There seems to be
this mystification of projecting the "right" image to prospects in the
dating world. Lets be honest, do you really want to attract a member of
the opposite sex (or whatever your sexual preference might be) by
projecting a fantasy that Don Juan couldn't live up to? You can't keep
it up forever, and even if you could, it's not real!
This applies to many smokers out there as well; especially those that
are involved in the dating scene. Smoking seems to be one of those "red
flags" or "character flaws" we would just as soon not publicize to our
field of potential significant partners, at least in the beginning. So
many of us feel as though we are being forced to be dishonest about our
smoking just to be considered as a possibility in the eyes of that
"perfect match". The question here is; do you want to misrepresent whom
you are and what you do just to get a date?
Many people might answer this question with a resounding "yes"; I want
to project a fantasy that will attract the "perfect match" for me. The
thinking here is similar to the door-to-door salesman that just wants to
get his foot in the door and have the opportunity to sell his wares.
This might work to some extent for selling widgets, but experience has
taught me that there is one valued commodity that is absolutely
imperative to form a successful relationship: Honesty. In order to be
honest with another, you must first be honest with yourself. This is not
as easy a task as it sounds for many people.
According to the Freudian Conflict Theory in personality, we have "id",
"ego" and "superego" all busy at work within our psyche. All jockey for
position to dominate our thinking. Thus, our behavior is directly
affected in various ways at different times and in different situations.
The "id" operates within our psyche on the basis of pleasure only. It is
childlike in many ways, and according to the theory, it is the driving
force behind pleasure seeking. The superego is the morality or moral
guidance barometer of the psyche. This mostly comes from what we have
been taught is morally right or wrong. However, there is an innate
conscience component of the superego that is theoretically not governed
by what we have been taught. Then there is the ego; that self image that
we project to the outside world. The ego creates a balance between id
and superego. It saves us from being victims of our own pleasure. It is,
in essence, the caretaker of the id and the superego. As they each have
different goals, they are constantly in conflict with each other.
This sounds like a real mess. In many ways it certainly seems so. A
"normal" person is full of conflict about themselves and who they really
are. The theory makes it sound like we are all egomaniacs with
inferiority complexes. What does all this have to do with honesty? Well
it all comes down to perceptions. That is, our own self-perception and
the perception of others. We have a tendency to make comparisons of our
inner self with what we perceive to be the ideal self.
Or we may compare ourselves to others. In so doing, we may intentionally
misrepresent our actual self as our ideal self. Or, we may just flat out
lie about who we are and squelch the guilt.
As a smoker, I've been taught that smoking is wrong. It is unhealthy, it
is smelly, it is unattractive to the opposite sex, etc., etc. The list
goes on forever, and frankly, I'm tired of hearing it. I've come to
grips with my smoking. Even though it isn't something I am proud of, it
is a part of who I am. If I were to quit smoking, then that would be a
part of who I am at that time. I don't make excuses for being me and I
don't apologize for it.
Years ago when I signed up for a couple of free dating sites, I filled
in the profile information and hesitated when it asked if I were a
smoker. I put down "no" even though it wasn't true. Sure, I got matched
up with a wonderful person, but I couldn't enjoy any of it. I was so
preoccupied with the fact that I couldn't smoke (which made me want to
smoke even more) and the fact that I was already being dishonest with
this person that I couldn't focus on just relaxing and having a good
time. There was something odd about her behavior too. Sure, she was
nervous, but I felt it was something more than that. She was holding
back way too much. There was this "wall" between us. I didn't know why
at the time. I figured we were just incompatible and never called her.
By chance, I saw her again several years after our first and only date.
She told me that she was a smoker at the time, and had lied on her
profile. We had a good laugh about it when she found out that I was
guilty of the very same thing. Had we not both misrepresented ourselves
and had then been matched up, who knows how far it might have gone?
It's life-lessons like these that have brought me full circle to being
honest with myself. There are many more people out there just like me.
These are the ones who have come to terms with the dishonesty of it all.
Many of them have chosen to throw away the masks they wear for others
and just be themselves. This works well, especially when tempered with
some common sense. After all, there is no reason to be so blatantly
honest about meaningless things that may hurt someone's feelings. Being
honest doesn't mean you have to be cruel.
Recently I signed up at one of the newer free dating sites that
specializes in matching up smokers, I was surprised how many there are,
and how many hits I got right away. My new profile states: I am who I
am. I am a smoker. So either light up or leave me alone.
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