Why People Lie

Why do people lie, especially to those they love?

Lying is a technique that is used to influence, control and manipulate
other's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Lying comes naturally, and
most of the time, it happens with little awareness, effort, or thought.
In fact, children start lying, quite effectively, early in life. And as
adults, people continue to lie.

Not only is lying fairly common, but it can take several different
forms. On occasion, people will tell a ...

Why do people lie, especially to those they love?

Lying is a technique that is used to influence, control and manipulate
other's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Lying comes naturally, and
most of the time, it happens with little awareness, effort, or thought.
In fact, children start lying, quite effectively, early in life. And as
adults, people continue to lie.

Not only is lying fairly common, but it can take several different
forms. On occasion, people will tell a bold-faced lie. That is, say
something that is explicitly not true. Most of the time, however, lying
is best accomplished by what is left unsaid – a lie of omission. In this
case, speakers leave out critical information (usually about who, what,
where, when, or why) while leading hearers to believe that the complete
story is being told. As Benjamin Franklin so keenly noted, "Half the
truth is often a great lie."

So why do people lie, especially to those they love?

Lying is typically motivated by one or more of the following factors:

Avoid Punishment

Lying is often used to avoid punishment or possible rejection. If a
spouse or romantic partner is going to react poorly to the truth,
generally speaking, people try to hide or conceal the truth. By nature,
people are designed to avoid harm and punishment, even if individuals
have to lie in order to do so. Again, children pick-up this skill early
in life and people continue to lie as adults.

Seek Approval

Not only are people designed to avoid punishment, but people universally
have a need for approval. Lying and deception are often used to create a
favorable image or impression. People will go to great lengths, even
using deception, if necessary, to create a positive image. Often this
involves some self-deception as well – people start to believe their own
false image is true.

Maintain Privacy

Everyone needs some privacy – a sense of independence, autonomy, and
freedom. People like to feel in control, especially when it comes to
giving out information about one's self. Just because you are in a close
relationship does not mean that you have completely given up your right
to, or need for, privacy. So, lying and deception are very useful when
trying to maintain a sense of one's self that is autonomous,
independent, and private.

Avoid Conflict

Couples rarely see eye-to-eye on every issue. And if couples were
determined to (and some do), they could engage in never ending conflict
on a range of issues. But, always engaging in conflict is damaging in
any relationship. So, rather than argue about every issue that may come
up, sometimes it is easier to avoid conflict by pretending to get along.

Regulate Power

Whether people like to acknowledge it or not, power differences are
present in every relationship. Power involves having control when it
comes to decision making. And power often switches back and forth
between partners depending on the issue at hand. For instance, one
partner might have financial power, while another partner may have
social power (control in social situations). As a general rule, the
person who lacks power in any given situation is more likely to lie in
order to influence the outcome. For instance, kids are more likely to
lie to their parents, employees are more likely to lie to employers, and
the same holds true in close relationships. The person, who lacks power,
is more likely to lie in order to get what they want. Lying helps
individuals even out power differences that may exist.